Thursday, 23 March 2017
As you may have noticed, I haven't posted in quite awhile. Since around the beginning of November I have been struggling with a bout of depression and anxiety, but that isn't the only reason I haven't been on here much. I feel SO inspired, with so many thoughts whirling about in my head, that I feel incapable of putting them down on paper(or type it, as the case may be). I have been learning SO much about God, about myself, about life, that when I go to sit down and write about it I feel I can't properly express what I feel. I think I am beginning to come out of that, and I feel ready to start (attempting) to write down all that I have been thinking and feeling the last six months. I've been going through a rough time, the worst I've had since the Christmas before(2015), but I think I'm finally coming out the other side. Spring is on its way, and although we did just get a HUGE dump of snow the last couple days, my spirits are starting to soar and I've been getting an itch to write!
I may not post for a while yet, as my Works In Progress folder is quite full, but I want to start being more active on here. I hope you'll stick around for awhile and see what I've been learning. Thanks for listening, and I hope you have a lovely spring(or autumn, depending on where you are)!
Friday, 30 September 2016
I was a skinny kid growing up, not super lanky or anything, but I never had any extra weight on me and my muscles were more long and thin. I was the young teen girl whose backbone stuck out when I bent over. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t starving myself or even particularly active. I ate a lot. I just didn’t gain weight at all. So what happened? Let me explain a little of what has been going on the last year and ten months…
Almost two years ago my family (save one sister and brother) moved 7 hours away from where we had been living for 7 1/2 years. I remember shortly after we moved a lady we had just met at a church commented that at least we hadn't lived there for a very long time. How wrong she was. I am currently 19 years old. So if you think about it, that means that my preteens, early teens, mid-teens, so pretty much my entire teen years were spent there. I had lived in that place during some pretty crucial years. I was ripped away from it all just when I was really starting to make real friends and get super connected in my church. It hurt. And you know, it still does.
I suffer from depression and anxiety at the best of times. This time in my life was the worst of times and I sunk very, very low. I struggled to get up in the morning, I had no motivation, and I generally was just done with living. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live. I slugged along through those months not really doing anything.
We were looking for a church, and were finding it very difficult being unconnected to a church community. We tried church after church, but sadly most of them didn’t care when we came or when we left, and we weren’t learning as much as we should from the Sunday sermon. This time was very difficult for me. To make matters worse, I was missing not only my friends from our old community, but also my two siblings who stayed behind. It was the first time that we were not all living together, and they were so much farther away than I had imagined they would be when they moved out. So, what did this lead to? I suddenly had no social life and was also living in town, whereas we had been living on an acreage before. My activity level went from moderate to pretty much zero. Add the fact I was depressed and didn’t want to do anything, and you have a pretty good recipe for weight gain. And gain weight I did, a whole 30 pounds and a bit in about 7 months. That’s a substantial amount, especially in a short time period, and I have the stretch marks to prove it. Becoming two dress sizes bigger fairly quickly didn’t help with the depression. I felt so disgusting and ugly that I didn’t want to go out and have people see me. My clothes didn’t really fit anymore, but I didn’t want to get new ones since I hoped to lose the weight and be back to my normal weight. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I plateaued shortly after then and in the last year and a bit have stayed approximately that same size.
It’s hard when I look in the mirror and still remember clearly the girl that I was. I wish that I was still that girl, not this one, with all my extra weight. I know, it’s incredibly shallow. There are so many more important things to worry about, but this is the one I get stuck on. I look in my closet and see the clothes that I can’t bring myself to get rid of, in the hopes that I’ll fit them again. I struggle when I go to get dressed and see the things that don’t fit, but I wish I could wear them. I hate to see people from where we used to live, because I’m embarrassed to have them see me now. I feel awkward meeting people in our new community because I feel ashamed that they don’t realize I haven’t always been this big. And I feel bad because I know that I am so shallow and lame.
This sounds like I have made an effort to lose weight and have been unsuccessful. Nope. I haven’t changed a lot in my life, and weight loss hasn’t occurred. That’s probably my biggest source of embarrassment: not only have I gained weight and am embarrassed by it, but I also haven’t made a conscious effort to change anything. I’m struggling to not be jealous of my sister because she is smaller than me and takes the steps to eat well and exercise. I’m just fat and living with it, crying over my soup. Bemoaning the fact that I can’t fit into my clothes, but not making an effort to lose the extra weight. And that’s a sin. Yep, I’ll admit it. I’m not honouring my body by not taking care of it, and allowing myself to gain a substantial and unhealthy amount of weight. It’s not helping me love others more, but is making me focus more on myself and what I look like. (I’ll also admit that this is really hard to write, and it’s taken me a few months to write) This is not a place I want to stay. I don’t want to stay this size, or in this place with my feelings and heart. I need to start taking the steps to take better care of my body. God has blessed me with this body and has commanded me to honour it (1 Cor. 6: 20b). I’m still falling flat on my face in this area more than I’d like to admit. Maybe you are too. My prayer is that we can first make a plan for success and follow through on it. I’m going to start this next week to do my best to get on a path to better health, not only for my physical wellbeing, but also my spiritual wellbeing. Not taking care of my body has not only affected my health, it has also affected my walk with Christ. Instead of spending time with Him, I spend way too much time feeling bad about myself. Now is the time to change that, I don’t want to stay here anymore. I might fail at times, but I can always get back up and try again. Maybe weight isn’t a problem for you. Whatever it is you are struggling with, today is the time to begin that change. Stop procrastinating (I get it, I’ve been there for the last almost two years) and start on that path to success. Don’t let failures and mistakes hold you down. Together we can get better!
So here’s to bright new beginnings, and a slimmer waistline! (Not actually, but actually)
Monday, 22 August 2016
I was tagged for this post by Nicole from The Artyologist. I haven’t done this type of thing before, and thought it would be a fun change! So without further ado…
- Four places I have lived
I have lived in Alberta, Canada my entire life. I lived around the area of Calgary for many years (11 years to be exact, first in Crossfield, then Airdrie, then outside of Crossfield on an acreage), Grande Prairie (in town, and then on another acreage) and now live a couple hours outside of Edmonton(once again on an acreage! It’s the thing we do). I like to say that my family is doing a tour of Alberta…heehee.
- Four places I have visited
I have visited the Yukon many times, although not in recent years. When I was little we did camping trips there every year. I have been on vacation to Vancouver Island, when my family rented a house by the beach. (It was lovely!) Last year my family went to Stow-On-The-Wold, England for a vacation. My, it really is beautiful there! And last but not least, I went to Lesvos, Greece this last January for a mission's trip. Most of my traveling has been within Alberta and I love road trips, but I really do have a fondness for home.
- Four TV shows I have watched
I don’t have TV, but I have watched some shows after they came out on DVD. I love Foyle’s War, Get Smart (the original 60’s one), Jeeves and Wooster, and Columbo. I’m more of a movie person, but that could be because most of my growing years we didn’t have TV.
- Four of my favourite foods
Oh goodness! This is going to be hard. I am such a foodie, and most of my memories are connected to food. (How lame can I get? Haha) I enjoy a good steak, stuffed pasta (hello, ravioli and tortellini!), chocolate pudding cake, and Chinese food. Hmm, there seems to be no vegetables on this list…but I honestly do love my veggies! Oh dear, I may have to rethink my priorities of healthy eating…
- Four things I like to drink
Coffee, coffee, coffee. Haha, not actually. I do love my coffee though. I like Orange Pekoe tea, Chai tea (honestly, why do we call it Chai tea? We are literally saying, “Tea tea”) and pop. (I know, so bad) I noticed while typing this out that I like caffeine, and nothing on the list is hydrating. Whoops!
- Four of my pet peeves
Repetitive noises (but only certain ones, like people tapping), people looking at their phones while I’m talking to them. (Am I really that boring?) When people don’t take deadlines seriously (They’re there for a reason…). People thinking they know me and what I like/dislike, act like they know what is best for me, and generally just think they know me a lot better than they do. So, that is pretty much saying: Don't put me in a box.
- Four wacky or odd things about me.
I love, love, love birds. So much, in fact, that I trained the Chickadees to come and eat seed out of my hand. I know a lot of bird songs and am pretty good at knowing what type of bird is singing without seeing it(I seriously thought about becoming an Ornithologist, but found out there isn’t a real career in that). I put makeup on and then take it off just because. Not the taking it off part, I just adore makeup and experimenting (I’ve also seriously thought about becoming a Makeup Artist). I absolutely love taking walks in the rain and getting soaked. There is something so peaceful about it. No raincoat or anything. The other strange part of that is I’m afraid of thunderstorms at night. Like ‘em during the day, but once it’s time to be sleeping, yikes!
So now you know a little more about me! I discovered a few new things about myself as well, such as the fact that I apparently have an aversion to healthy eating and beverages. I may have to look a little deeper into my lifestyle choices, haha. I also found a few new things to work on.
This was a lot of fun! Nice to have a change from the deeper stuff I’ve been posting lately. Let me know a little about yourself in the comments, I would love to get to know you better!